This is not a Butt Rubbing Contest!

A day late, but if you still care I have a few things to say about Wednesday’s Top Chef:

eh hem:

IT ROCKED!

Now, saying that something “rocked” is NOT something I would do normally, but I was so impressed by this weeks TC, that I gotta pull out what is arguably the most embarrassing phrase of all time to explain how much I liked it. I watched it TWICE it was so good!  DAMN! Ok, lets get started.

First – a set change: New Orleans. Top Chef + New Orleans = BRILLIANCE, why did we never think of this before? Is there a more culinarily exciting city in the U.S.? NO! Anyone who has ever eaten a shrimp po-boy from Brother’s, a restaurant so old school it has no website, will agree. DAMN! I looooooooooooooooooooooooooove me some Cajun soul food. New York, you’ve got some amazing restaurants, but I’ll take Jambalaya over $15 Pork Bun any day.

Plus: New Orleans has so much life, It was practically jumping off the screen at me. I love any challenge where catering and large groups of local people are involved. You can always tell the most successful chefs by the opinion of the real people eating their food, particularly when local cuisine is on the menu. But I’m getting ahead of myself, back to the beginning.

The show started off with a great Quickfire, guest-judged by none other than Mr. Nawlins himself, Emeril Lagasse:

BLAM! I mean, BAM!

What a fun dude. I’ve never been much for his show on the Food Network, but he really won me over on this Top Chef episode. He was comfortable, kind and fun to watch. GREAT guest judge, and the first Food Network star, I might mention, to grace our little Bravo show. Martha Stewart and Emeril Lagasse in one season? That’s huge! Who’s next, Paula Dean? Rachael Ray? 30 minute meal quickfire? The possibilities are endless!

OK: so we all should have seen it coming that the last 3 eliminated contestants would be back, but I did not, and I was excited to see only one of them: Jeff, the winking cutiepie:

I felt so bad when he got kicked off and he was like, “I’ll probably be sad about this for at least 10 years,” so it was nice to see him come back and redeem himself. He deserved it too, unlike Jamie and Leah, at who I would have been annoyed if they’d made it back into the running.

So the 5 new finalists go to a fancy dinner and then they get their challenge: catering! I LOVE catering, and so do Stefan and Carla who had an obvious advantage seeing as they’re both PROFESSIONAL CATERERS. Not to be outdone, I must say that I was pleasantly surprised by Hosea, who really seemed to have done his homework before coming to New Orleans. Dude studied up on Cajun/Creole cuisine, which was SMART. As much as I hate to say it, I gott have respect….damnit.

I was underwhelmed last night by Fabio and the magic fauxhawk who made Pasta, AGAIN. I know you’re italian, but come on:

Oh, AMAZING bit of info from Fabio’s exit interview on endlesssimmer.com:

What are you up to now?
I’m getting a lot of offers, being asked to do TV shows, license my image on a line of cooking products, so all kinds of things. I hope you liked my face, because unfortunately, you’re going to be seeing a lot of it.

Another TV show! Tell us more.
Aaah, I can’t say yet, but let me just say – Watch What Happens.

WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! FABIO’S COMING TO BRAVO, FULL TIME! Damn, if you didn’t see that coming, you are dumb as hell, or you seriously don’t watch enough TV. But, YAY!! Can’t wait for that shit. You can read the rest of his silly interview here.

Moving on:

All the food the chef’s made last night looked AMAZING: gumbo, corn cakes, cheesy grits and cocktails? Sign me up! But I must say that, as much as I would have liked for Jeff to stay on, Carla’s meal really took the cake.

I mean, girl made deep friend sausage-shrimp balls. What could really be better (and less kosher) than that? NOTHING! Could she really take it all next week?? I dunno!

OH FORGOT TO MENTION: GAIL WAS BACK! yay! Love her! The judges were so much more together with Gail there. Without her, Tom was the only regular judge with any really legitimate things to say about the food. Now we have the Gail and Tom dynamic, which I happen to love, and which seems to shut up Padma (who all the contestants seem to hate, btw) and that’s a good thing.

All in all: I’m happy. I’m exciting. I can’t wait. The finale, the reunion, its gonna be good shit. I’m glad this season is ending with a bang. God now’s my broke ass needs it.

BAM!

Martha, Natasha and Padma, OH MY!

Well, last night’s episode of Top Chef did NOT dissapoint, and hopefully neither will our hilarious musings below. ENJOY!

 

 

Allie: So, we’ve begun

Andie: Haha the Euros are funny

Allie: I know, I love them

            Did you look at the pictures I posed about, the ones on Amuse-biatch with their wives/girlfriends?

Andie: no! I’ll look tomorrow

Allie: Aww, Hosea is such a nice Jewish boy is calling to check on his father!

Andie: I know! He has cancer L

Allie: this is sad!

Allie: Look at this Christmas set up

            Where are the dreidels?

            Seriously?

            How is this a “holiday” party with no decorations other than     Christmas ones?

     WHERE ARE THE FREAKIN DREIDELS??

Andie: Martha doesn’t do Jews?

Allie: Padma is wearing a sweater

            That means its winter now.

Andie: No, its still summer

            They just want it to feel like its winter atmosphere!

Allie:   Right, that’s what I meant

Andie: MARTHA!!!!!!!!!

Allie: MARTHA

           TOP CHEF GODDESS

Andie: Carla’s face!

Allie: CARLA

            I’ve been waiting all season for that face

            What what! Jersey pride, I love Ariane.

Andie: yeah except she claims Connecticut, not NJ

Allie:  Ya, she’s a bad ass b/c she went to prison

            Are we pretending that didn’t happen?

 Andie: yes

Allie: Why does Martha get to act like she didn’t go to prison?

 Andie: 45 minutes for a one pot? Casserole!

 Allie: I know

            My first thought was a winter stew, but that would take too long

Allie: You have to let stew…stew

Andie: Kale! I made Kale for dinner!

Andie: back on team Jamie

            oooh Paella could be dangerous, Hosea

 Allie: Paella will be d’lish

            It’s just the Quickfire

           They can afford to take a risk. Quickfire is when they should take risks b/c if you don’t win its like, “oh well”.

 Andie: This is true

Andie: Ariane and Jamie? I would never have put that pairing together.

Allie: wow, that’s a great duo

            I would have never thought.

            Ugh

            Jamie

            So arrogant!

Andie: I made polenta tonight too!

            Seriously, this Quickfire is my dinner!

Allie: no way!

Andie: in bits and pieces

Allie: that’s so weird

            What did you make?

 Andie: kale chicken and mushrooms over polenta

 Allie: mmmm!

            I’m loving this one pot!

 Andie: uh oh, Eugene’s doing stew!

            dum dum dummmm!

Allie: I love comfort food

Andie: let’s see if your prediction comes true

            I know me too!

            Where’s the Mac n cheese?!?

Andie: is that an X-MAS food?

Allie: that’s not all in one pot

            Mac and Cheese, you gotta make rue.

            Ya, Martha’s a tough woman because she went to PRISON

Andie: the Jew clearly knows nothing

Allie: Seriously

            Great judge

            Great guest judge

Andie: best guest judge ever!

            Actually

            I take it back

Allie: but we’re all pretending like she didn’t go to prison

Andie: Anthony bourdon is the best judges ever

Allie: yes he is

Andie: obvi

Allie: but Martha

            Ok

            Why

             Did she get to go to prison, come right back, and we let her go RIGHT back to her normal life!?

Andie: I wonder what she was like in prison.

            She didn’t go RIGHT back

Allie: it’s like she went to a prolonged spa vacation

Andie: she got roasted for a looong time

Allie: I mean…

Andie: but she had enough money to get herself back into the game

Allie: but if she had to go to ACTUAL prison

            Like

            If prison was equal for the rich and the poor

            Can you imagine what she’d be like now?

             I hope that neither you nor I ever have to go to prison.

            That’s what I’m wishing you for Hanukah, Andie.

Andie thanks Allie; I was really concerned I was going to prison this year

Allie: You never know

Andie: speaking of, I think I’m going to bake cookies for a Hanukkah party this weekend, in Chappaqua

Andie: good idea?

Allie: what kind

            Well…

Andie: I’ll send the recipe tomorrow remind me

            Chocolate Chippy Carmel things

            Its baackkk!

Allie: my roomies and me made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies with toffee and dried cherries for our landlord and she loved them.

Andie: whoa, Martha was pissy to Eugene!

Allie: And now she smiles at me

Andie:  “you thickened it WITH????”

            Aw Martha <3s Stefan

Allie: that Paella looks amazing. Paella is so delicious

Andie: mmmmmm, Hosea is my favorite right now in the series

            Now that I said that he’ll go home

Allie: he better not because he’s on my fantasy team

Andie: Potato Risotto? interesting….

Allie: I can’t wait to see Fabio and Martha

            “Pungent”

Andie: OMG, I hope he woos her

Allie: you don’t want Martha to say “pungent”

            JERSEY

            JERSEY JERSY

            Ariane stumped Martha!

Andie: Jersey girls got along

Allie: ARIANE !

            SHE’S SO AWEMOE

            I love her

            I officially love her

            If she’s ok for Martha, she’s ok for me

Allie: Martha pronouciates her words so well

Andie: I know

Allie: PO-TAY-TO-RIS-SO-TO

Allie: Eugene’s gonna FIGHT!

Andie: where is her jersey accent?!

Allie: Martha vs. Eugene

Andie: “housewives” – is that an offensive word?

Allie: who wins in a bitch-fight?

Andie: Martha DOES NOT like Fabio!

            Martha wins def

Andie: she went to PRISON

Allie: hahahaha, Fabio’s vein

Andie: haha “my grandmother would be so ashamed of you”

Allie: Fabio’s grandma vs. Martha

          Who wins?

           In a bitch fight?

Andie: Fabio’s g-ma!!!!

Allie: Fabio’s g-ma WTF!!

Andie: those Italians are feisty!

            Dude, Ariane AGAIN?!?

Allie: ARIANEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Andie: hahahaah

Allie: SHE’S SO AMAZING

Andie: I’m proud of her

             Comeback kid!

            “Pleased Martha” – that is winning in itself

            And Ariane is the one who will actually use that book you know?

Allie: totally

Andie: I don’t think the other actually cook at home

Allie: not for kids

             Wait

            I just missed the challenge

            Elves?

            Who are they?

            Family?

            Oooo!!!

Andie: are you kidding?!?!

Allie: WTF?

            What is going on?

            They’re so confused

             “Strong voices” is Bravo’s nice way of saying “black voices”

Allie: Carla is having a huge celebrity sighting day

Andie: they’re besties

Allie: challenge is:

            Cook food for black people

Andie: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Allie: oh god

Andie: I LOVE THIS!

Allie: Is the choir going to sing every time someone picks a knife?

Andie: yesss

Allie: what is going on?!?!?

           This is ridiculous

Andie: What, no, “FIIIIIVE GOLDEN RIIIIINGS”?

            That’s the best part!

Allie: Ya!!

            That is the best part

Andie: Beaker; “my mind cannot compute”

Allie: I don’t get the challenge

            Can you explain it?

Andie: of course it can’t darling, you met Martha, and you saw the Harlem gospel choir

         Yes, you need to create a dish around your verse

          So, 12 drummers drumming can be little drumsticks done fancy

          Or skewers

          Or FIIIIVE GOLDEN RIIIIINGS could be some sort of ringed food

Allie: got it!

            The Real Housewives are so incredibly awful

            Aww, that singing was so cute! I loved that

Andie: our Whole Foods!

Allie: We saw Padma there!

         Carla has no boobs

          Like none

Andie: Ok I like that – pipers piping = smoking something

Allie: Ya

   That sounds good

   Jeff isn’t horrible

   He’s just like

   Down on himself

   Bad attitude

   Leah’s all about the one bite

Andie: yeah he needs a spirit lifter

    ahhhh the infamous deviled eggs from the promo

Allie: I love that Ariane drops her Gs

Andie: ARIANE!

Allie: uh oh, Scallops!

Andie: Why uh oh?

Andie: yeah

  Deviled eggs though…..

  I know we saw in the previews tom was mad but still – who make those on top chef?

Allie: wait who’s making deviled eggs?

Andie: Arianne

  !!!!

  “Geese a layin’”

Allie: oh no!

Allie: ok, what is with that watermelon, seriously?

Andie: we were just commenting on that!

  No clue

  Stefan’s work

Allie: Their New York apt. is nice than any other apt. they’ve had before

Andie: oh no….THE FRIDGE

Allie: horrible!

   They need to all band together

   And make one big meal

Andie: looks like they are trying to…

Allie: Rhadika better pull it out

  OMG, those are my two teammates!

Allie: THEYRE BOTH ON MY TEAM

   It’s so nice that everyone is helping

Andie: yeah

Allie: but see

  This is what I’m talking about

  They all work together so well

Andie: and I bet the crew people knew the fridge wasn’t closed and couldn’t tell them

Allie: It’s not a competition

  But it’s very Christmassy

  But they’re going to flip out if one of the people who got help wins

Andie: this is why I love this show – it’s a competition but they work in a kitchen with other chefs    and this is what they do on a daily basis

Allie: its never been like this before

  This is the first season

  That was touching though

  All so touching

Andie: no this is the first time its been this nice and wonderful

  A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

  Fabio is going to win this little phone quiz like 99 to 1.

“Who do you want to go under the mistletoe with?”

Andie: Michelle Bernstein!!!

Allie: she’s awful

Andie: why isn’t Hosea on that quiz?

Andie: No, Michelle Bernstein is not awful

Allie: Hosea isn’t that cute

Andie: I like him

  I mean, no Harold season 1

Allie: hello

  SAM

  TALBOT

  All I got to say

  Don’t even talk Harold to me

  When there’s Sam

Andie: you’re right, Sam wins

     But Harold was the first gorgeous top chef

  I want to go to Perilla!

Allie: me2

Andie: holiday special next week!

  You’ll be in Mexico

Allie: oh no

  I’ll see it though

  Ok

  I hope the food is good

Andie: me too

  Haha Stefan called that Natasha Richardson “yum”

Allie: the voice is what Fabio likes?

  What about the BOD?

  She’s so hot!

  This is an anti-AIDs commercial

Andie: yeah she is

  Ha it’s like July and they are having a staged Christmas party so funny

Allie:  we just watched a commercial for Natasha Richardson’s foundation without knowing it

Allie:  I hope Rhadika wins

  How does Carla know what Kenneth Cole looks like?

Andie: no idea

Allie: gene is gonna get fucked

Andie: yeah too sweet

  Damnit, Eugene!

Allie: o Jamie, big bad

Andie: raw scallops? That’s what they said?

Allie: YES

  Where’s Gail?

Andie: gone!

  Getting married

  I wish Martha was still here

Allie: I know! Where is Martha?

Andie: beets – I like beets

Allie: I don’t know if I’ve ever had one

Andie: and that cheese (so does Brian – he just showed up)

  I did for the firs time a few weeks ago

Allie: these New York women are upfront

  Just trying to get on TV

Andie: yeah

  Socialite!

Allie: Padma’s hair looks great like that

Allie: where the eff is Gail?

  Oh you know what

  Honeymoon

Andie: yeah

  Wedding things

Allie: ugh

  bumster

Andie: not for her

  She’s honeymooning!

Allie:  long honeymoon

Andie: Well, she had the wedding.

Allie: the shower isn’t right before the wedding, is it?

Andie: I don’t know. I’m sure that wasn’t her real shower.

  I hope it wasn’t

Allie: really hope it wasn’t.

Andie: I’m sure it wasn’t

  Ok, my friend Matthew predicted Eugene to go home

Allie: Ya, he’s due

Andie: yeah

  But they are going to rip into Ariane

Allie: nah

  I like that more than two people are winning these challenges

Andie: yeah I hope so

Allie: not like last season

  You know

  Ok my whole fantasy team is in the top right now!!!!

  I rule

Andie: Yeahhhh, Allie!

Allie: I just said that aloud

  “I rule”

Andie: haha

  Of course you did

  RAD FOR TEH WINS?!?!

Allie: I’m going to get so many points tonight

  That’s who I predicted

Andie: even better!

Allie: NICE

  WHEATEVR

Andie: I like Hosea

Allie: HOSEA

  Oh, Ariane slid by

Andie: yeah she did

Allie: haha

Andie: I’m surprised

Allie: and Carla

  Me too

  The judges are so stern!!

  Jamie has such a dominant stance

  She’s so ridiculous

Andie: yeah she does

  Doesn’t take criticism well

Allie: she’s like Lisa

Andie: yeah but I like her more than Lisa

  Lisa was – I don’t know – awful

Allie: every time she moves her head they make that swishy noise

That is a lot of cheese

Andie: yeah

  So did Jeff though – blue cheese is a pretty strong cheese

  People either love it or hate it

  Jeff’s cheese must have been milder.

Allie: gene looks like he’s going to flip out

Andie: he’s pretty darn close

  Wow Michelle Bernstein doesn’t take crap from anyone!!!

  She’s a New York woman

  Fighter!

Andie: yeah she is

Allie: could Jamie go?

  No

  It’s Gene

Andie: totally Gene

  Maybe Melissa – but I still think gene

Allie: could be either

 Wow

Andie: wait are they mad at all the chefs?!

Allie: woaw

  They really are

Andie: THEY ARE!

  I would be so scared if daddy Tom gave me a talking to

  Roomie just had an interesting thought – maybe they won’t send anyone home

  They’ve done it before

Allie: I hope that doesn’t happen

Andie: just a thought

  Putting it out there

Allie: too confusing

Andie: ha

Allie: I don’t like these super sized episodes

  I need to go to bed!

Andie: LOL Tommmm

Andie: Leah, don’t talk back to daddy tom!

Allie: wa wa

  These are grown ups!

  WOW

Andie: TOLD YOU!!!!!!!

Allie: WOW

  You called it

  No one going home!

Andie: technically, Molly called it

  She wants a shoutout

Allie: lol

  Ok

Andie: annnnd the end

Allie: very good

Andie: OMG next challenge rocks!

Allie: THIS IS TOP CHEF THIS IS NOT TOP SCALOPS

Andie: HAHAHA

Allie: WOAW

  Two men on the judges table

Andie: i know!

Allie: wow

Andie: beaker’s reaction?

Allie: ok bed time

Andie: PRICELESS

  Ditto

  Love you

  Talk tomorrow