I know you did!
You: Allie – why haven’t you been blogging?
Me: I’m sorry. I only function as a human during Top Chef season. When it ends I evaporate back to my home planet where I spend 6 months eating and writing offensive jokes in preparation for the next season. Also I get my yearly hair cut and eye brow tweeze. I WAS VERY BUSY!
You: Oh. alright.
I can’t BELIEVE Top Chef Season 6 started last night. It feels like only yesterday I was watching Season 1 in the shared TV space in my college dorm. Yikes. Either I am getting old or this show is.
I’m pretty sure it’s me, because last night’s episode was really entertaining. Someone at Bravo was very obviously taking notes on this blog last season because that stale feeling I bitched about seems to be gone. There’s some craziness going on this season: french men with scarves! lots and lots of lesbians! tattooed James Beard nominees! Cancer! Brothers! It’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore!
So – a quick recap: This season of the show takes place in Las Vegas. The chefs showed up, Real World Style, checked out their sweet pad, talked some shit about their skilzz and then hopped along to Padma and Tom (who – btw: is so great. I mean, really, how great was it to see Tom again? I just… I just love that man. Pause for swooning: . . . . swooning complete) and began their first quickfire. It was – SHOCKING – relay race! Hai! Same thing that took out last season’s slow chopping fag hag just minutes before her gay was sent packing, too. Exciting!!
A few initial reactions about these “people” that have very little to do with food:
Dude: I did not understand one word this man said last night. Not. a single. word. He seems very sweet though. Please don’t yell at me.
DICK! Remember when he said he was surprised that a girl nearly beat him at shucking oysters? DICK! I really want to hate this guy. Too bad he is the executive chef at one of my most absolute favorite restaurants of all time. I feel the conflict building within me. It feels like general tso’s chicken.
Crush. Like — big crush. Big, huge, girl crush. She’s got a really handsome face. And – she made chicken liver ravioli. YUM. I love chopped liver. It’s not weird, ok, I’m jewish. IT’S GOOD.
NO. Her dish looked like poo poo. It looked like food from a Chinese Buffet, and not the fancy one, either. It looked like food from the Chinese Buffet by the gas station in the town where no Chinese people have ever lived. It looked like food from that place. And just when you thought maybe you could look past that – she spoke. Just – no.
WhyWouldYouOfferToShuckTheClamsIfYou’veNeverShuckedClamsBefore!??!?!?!?!??!?UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I’m sorry to be harsh, but I have no time or patience for this kind of weakling, and I STILL don’t understand why Top Chef lets contestants on the show when they SO OBVIOUSLY won’t make it to the end. What’s the point? Knock it down to 15 people and let the judges bring someone back when they get kicked off, American Idol style. Right? Why am I not a Bravo executive?
No, seriously, why?
The rest of the contestants didn’t do anything interesting enough to mention. Except I guess Kevin with the tiny little eyes who won the elimination challenge: cook your vice. He made arctic char with salsa verde and turnips, so I guess his vice is … ??? I don’t even know. Oh and also there’s the girl who worked for ERIC RIPERT. Yes, I said ERIC RIPERT, did you hear me? ERIC RIPERT. He’s FAMOUS. He makes FISH. ERIC RIPERT!!
Last night’s disappointments:
1 – Wolfgang Puck DID.NOT.WANT the bacon donuts made my Ms. Lauren Wickett. He said they weren’t good, and that made me sad. Wolfie no likey the pig.
Speaking of Wolfgang Puck:
LOLZ! How funny was this guy?
and speaking of Lolz:
woaw! Wolfie in his Beatles phase. YIKES!
Jennifer with the gaged ear holes and her horrendous Chile Relleno. Sad – so very sad – and clunky! So very clunky!
In the end – I think I would have sent diarreha buffet Eve home instead of Jen, if for no other reason than Jen would have brought fire to season with that HOT TEMPER of hers. I guess the producers figured they have a backlog of tattooed meanies whereas the number of midwesterners to stomp on is significantly smaller. So bye bye, Jen. I hope your kid makes it to Harvard. No, seriously, I do!
What did y’all think? Who do you like? Are you excited about this season? How happy are you that I’m blogging, seriously? Leave comments, por favor.
Probably you think Andie and I are extremely elegant foodies with refined palates and probably you think that we eat foie gras and escargot and, probably, you are right. Except, no you aren’t. Andie and I are from Texas: we are not refined. We like street meat, Doritos and BEER, German beer.
Both Andie and I are lucky to have found a boy as easy to please as we are, and this weekend, one of those boys had a big birthday
To celebrate, we took this bum to Zum Schneider, an indoor Bavarian beergarden on Avenue C on that lowaiside. If you are looking for a loud, rowdy place to eat pretzels, drink huge beers, and scream a lot, WE’VE FOUND IT.
Now, this particular night, Andie had already made me a delicious dinner of leftovers from Dinosaur Bar B-Que (another New York must) but once we got to the bar and I looked at the menu, I knew this was gonna be one of those two dinner evenings.
In an effort to not be a fat kid, I went with an Appetizer. I ordered “Schupfnudeln im Sauerkraut ” – which loosely translates to “YUM!” No, actually its, “Hand rolled, pan fried crispy potato dumplings tossed in sauerkraut”. Oh damn, my mouth just watered.
Andie’s camera sucks, so here’s a blurry picture of my Potato-Cabbage Delight:
The potatoes were crispy and soft at the same time , and the Sauerkraut was DELICIOUS – salty perfection!
To wash down the sodium, I started with a big ass $7 Schneider Weisse (wheat beer) followed by a really smooth Jever Pilsener. Andie started with a Würzburger Pilsener, that she claims to have loved, followed by the Reissdorf Kölsch (lager), an Augustiner Edelstoff (the birthday boy’s favorite) andddddd a drunken bedtime. Great night – well spent with friends and beer: they go together like me and fabulosity, or Andie and fringed cowboy boots. HAHA!
Big shock this morning: this exceprt from Top Chef’s Casey Thompson re: her role as Carla’s Sous Chef
from D Magazine:
Carla was not prepared and in over her head. The show did not talk about how the first course (crab) took her half of the friggin’ cooking time that day, I was left to work the rest of HER dishes.
I am done with TC. I did not influence her. She has NO ideas of her own, oh, except a cheese course.
She also did not have a plan. The ONLY thing she had in mind was a cheese course! I would NEVER do a cheese course. And where in the hell did french come from!? She is not even classically trained! It (the show) didn’t talk about how I worked on a sauce for 2 days and Carla forgot to put it on the plate… It didn’t show how the 2nd course (fish) was MINE. It didn’t show how she took the sous vide idea and decided to GRILL it last minute causing it to be tough… And it didn’t show how she WANTED to do the souffles which she does not even know how to make! That was HER food, because it certainly was me asking her how she wanted to do this and that while she was busy picking crab the entire time and making a souffle that didn’t rise!
Yowza! I get Casey’s anger: if all her accusations are true, I’d be angry as well. But I didn’t know Casey was so bitter about Top Chef! Seems someone never got over getting thwarted on live television. Damn, girl! This finale is so heated…
We’re so happy and excited to announce that the Groceryhags got over 450 hits on the blog yesterday…that’s a crazy jump for the normal traffic!! We’re so glad you guys like what we’re doing and, even though Top Chef is gone, we’ll keep writing/brining the lolz, so keep visiting!
You guys are the BEST!
Allie & Andie
Apparently: Stefan loves blogs! Or so he mentions in his fantastic exit interview on endlessimmer.com. Honestly, this guy has a soul. I’m sold on him. The good parts of his interview are bolded below for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!
Q: I thought the dessert was gonna put you over the top last night, but it kind of bombed. What happened?
A: The problem — and the other chefs will back me up on this — is that the plates are too fucking small. You’ve got a 4-inch plate. How are you going to put a decent dessert on that?
Q: How pissed were you when Fabio said Hosea’s food was better than yours?
A: Absolutely not. You know, Europeans are honest. You’ve got to be honest. In one episode I said that Fabio’s lamb was overcooked; you’ve got to be honest. I can take it. By the way, I love bloggers. You guys are fucking awesome. I love reading it all. I just read and laugh and laugh. I take it like it is and just laugh so hard.
Q: You’re not phased by being disliked?
A: I’m always very confident. People call it arrogant, cocky, I call it confident. Did I look like an idiot on TV? No, I looked like a million bucks, so I’m very happy about that.
Q: But you must be mad that you didn’t win Top Chef.
A:I did win Top Chef, buddy, read the blogs! Hosea gets a $100,000 egg. I am the chicken who is going to lay a lot of eggs and make a lot of money. I’m selling t-shirts at cockychefclothing.com — I’m selling panties with a picture of a cock on it, it’s great. And I’ve got a book coming out called Dirty Dishes, it’s a bunch of chefs writing recipes and writing about me and my life.
Q: What about that teary moment with Carla? You’re really a softie, huh?
A: Let me tell you, Carla is a very sweet lady. I had some tears in my eyes when I watched that on TV. I can’t see women crying, it fucking breaks my heart. That’s why I picked Marcel. I saw Carla’s face and I knew she couldn’t deal with him. He’s an ass, I’m an ass, so I could deal with him. Marcel was a very good sous chef, by the way. He’s a bit of a twat, but who isn’t?
Q: Speaking of the t-word, I can’t believe they let you say that on TV!
A: Twat is not that bad. Cock made it onto TV. I said cock twice on national TV. Look, it’s an English word, we all know what it means.
Q: Are you gonna do more TV?
A: Let me tell you, I’m working on it. I think I have a good shot at something.
Q: Maybe you and Fabio can get a show?
A: That would be hilarious, but I think it would be better if me and Jamie got a show.
Q: Are you still in love with Jamie?
A: How can you not be in love with her? I love the lesbians. Who doesn’t? It wouldn’t be the first time. That chick has a great smile and the best laugh. Love her. Leah too, by they way. She also had a great laugh. If Jamie reads this, if she’s ever ready for babies, I’m ready for it. We would make pretty babies.
Q: Do you hope to open a restaurant?
A: Let me tell you buddy, write a check. I want to open a restaurant, but I want to do it in the right way; not too high-end, especially with the economy. I went to a place last night where Bud Light was $13. That’s retarted. I want to do a restaurant that’s fun, where people can just go sit outside, sit by the fire, have a good time.
Q: What did you learn most from Top Chef?
A: You gotta be on the good side of the bloggers, that’s the key.
Q: Anything else you want to add?
A: You guys gotta lay off Hosea a bit. He’s getting a lot of shit and it’s really tearing him up. He doesn’t deserve that much shit. He deserves a little bit of shit but not that much.
WOW!!!!!! He’s so so so likable. I want him and Carla to have babies. And I want to sit outside and eat at his restaurant.
As for that last bit: SUCK IT, HOSEA!
I’ve just stumbled upon a lot of things I want to bring to your attention; most of them involve Twitter.
1st: Poor Gail, she’s feeling just as bad as we are RE: Carla
Ugh, horrible. Great pic of Gail, though! She’s such a beaut, and she’s got fabulous breasts. Moving on…
2: A conversation between a Twitter interview and Top Chef subsitute Judge Toby Young:
DUDE: Are you coming back next season? Or for any other TC projects?
TOBY: My people are talking to their people, as we say in show business. I hope they can work it out — it’s been a lot of fun
HMMMMM, I’ll take that as a NO! If the complete lack of Toby the Terrible in the past three episodes is any indication, I think the producers got the picture: WE NO LIKEY.
ok 3, from Amuse-biatch again, a big “WTF” that we missed:
For more funny/angry/confused Top Chef blogs and videos, I suggest the following: