I know you did!
You: Allie – why haven’t you been blogging?
Me: I’m sorry. I only function as a human during Top Chef season. When it ends I evaporate back to my home planet where I spend 6 months eating and writing offensive jokes in preparation for the next season. Also I get my yearly hair cut and eye brow tweeze. I WAS VERY BUSY!
You: Oh. alright.
I can’t BELIEVE Top Chef Season 6 started last night. It feels like only yesterday I was watching Season 1 in the shared TV space in my college dorm. Yikes. Either I am getting old or this show is.
I’m pretty sure it’s me, because last night’s episode was really entertaining. Someone at Bravo was very obviously taking notes on this blog last season because that stale feeling I bitched about seems to be gone. There’s some craziness going on this season: french men with scarves! lots and lots of lesbians! tattooed James Beard nominees! Cancer! Brothers! It’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore!
So – a quick recap: This season of the show takes place in Las Vegas. The chefs showed up, Real World Style, checked out their sweet pad, talked some shit about their skilzz and then hopped along to Padma and Tom (who – btw: is so great. I mean, really, how great was it to see Tom again? I just… I just love that man. Pause for swooning: . . . . swooning complete) and began their first quickfire. It was – SHOCKING – relay race! Hai! Same thing that took out last season’s slow chopping fag hag just minutes before her gay was sent packing, too. Exciting!!
A few initial reactions about these “people” that have very little to do with food:
Dude: I did not understand one word this man said last night. Not. a single. word. He seems very sweet though. Please don’t yell at me.
DICK! Remember when he said he was surprised that a girl nearly beat him at shucking oysters? DICK! I really want to hate this guy. Too bad he is the executive chef at one of my most absolute favorite restaurants of all time. I feel the conflict building within me. It feels like general tso’s chicken.
Crush. Like — big crush. Big, huge, girl crush. She’s got a really handsome face. And – she made chicken liver ravioli. YUM. I love chopped liver. It’s not weird, ok, I’m jewish. IT’S GOOD.
NO. Her dish looked like poo poo. It looked like food from a Chinese Buffet, and not the fancy one, either. It looked like food from the Chinese Buffet by the gas station in the town where no Chinese people have ever lived. It looked like food from that place. And just when you thought maybe you could look past that – she spoke. Just – no.
WhyWouldYouOfferToShuckTheClamsIfYou’veNeverShuckedClamsBefore!??!?!?!?!??!?UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I’m sorry to be harsh, but I have no time or patience for this kind of weakling, and I STILL don’t understand why Top Chef lets contestants on the show when they SO OBVIOUSLY won’t make it to the end. What’s the point? Knock it down to 15 people and let the judges bring someone back when they get kicked off, American Idol style. Right? Why am I not a Bravo executive?
No, seriously, why?
The rest of the contestants didn’t do anything interesting enough to mention. Except I guess Kevin with the tiny little eyes who won the elimination challenge: cook your vice. He made arctic char with salsa verde and turnips, so I guess his vice is … ??? I don’t even know. Oh and also there’s the girl who worked for ERIC RIPERT. Yes, I said ERIC RIPERT, did you hear me? ERIC RIPERT. He’s FAMOUS. He makes FISH. ERIC RIPERT!!
Last night’s disappointments:
1 – Wolfgang Puck DID.NOT.WANT the bacon donuts made my Ms. Lauren Wickett. He said they weren’t good, and that made me sad. Wolfie no likey the pig.
Speaking of Wolfgang Puck:
LOLZ! How funny was this guy?
and speaking of Lolz:
woaw! Wolfie in his Beatles phase. YIKES!
Jennifer with the gaged ear holes and her horrendous Chile Relleno. Sad – so very sad – and clunky! So very clunky!
In the end – I think I would have sent diarreha buffet Eve home instead of Jen, if for no other reason than Jen would have brought fire to season with that HOT TEMPER of hers. I guess the producers figured they have a backlog of tattooed meanies whereas the number of midwesterners to stomp on is significantly smaller. So bye bye, Jen. I hope your kid makes it to Harvard. No, seriously, I do!
What did y’all think? Who do you like? Are you excited about this season? How happy are you that I’m blogging, seriously? Leave comments, por favor.
I was so excited to tell you the NYC Bakery Crumbs does a kosher for passover (hag sameach to all you already sick of matzo) CUPCAKE (!!!!) but my friend Julia at Texas Casual beat me to it. So you can read all about them here. Because I’m lazy and don’t have time to give a full review and she does a damn good job.
I learned about these cupcakes my first year in New York and had never been more excited. And yet I’ve never had them. Anyone want to send me one to try? Anyone? Bueller? Ok fine, Passover weekend project :: get dem k for p cupcakes. Because cupcakes > matzo…even when it’s matzo pizza.
Happy almost weekend! Love to my partner in crime who’s in the motherland of Texas =)
Once upon a time, in the year 2000, the Grocery Hags went to Israel. Once there, I thought to myself “hey, keeping kosher isn’t so hard, maybe I’ll try this.”
Fast forward nine years, I have since become the food-obsessed eater you know today. And since everyone and their dogs have become slightly interested in bacon (and chorizo. and pancetta. and pork belly. and sausage. I would go on but we’d be here awhile), I surrendered.
ANYWAY, the food world’s bacon worship has been going on for a couple of years now. I know you thought the bacon log thing that was all over the internet late last year was the culmination, but oh no.
Enter Bacon Camp.
Held in San Francisco over the weekend (Broder, why didn’t you go?), it more or less established the Church of Bacon Saints for all those needing to pray. Bacon was eaten in all ways, shapes and forms. I’m assuming there was an EMT or two on call. Can’t decide if I would be in heaven or hell, but this pretty much is a great description of a little nugget of bacon-ness that I find totally intriguing and also completely disgusting:
Appetites were quickly regained to try the chicken fried bacon with sausage gravy, which was so wrong and yet so amazing: Two bites was more than enough to feel like the arteries had been sent directly to hell, but it was definitely worth it. Fortunately, they were nugget-sized, which was actually quite thoughtful.
I would have one bite, I swear. And go straight to the cardiologist.
You can read about it here . Someone get me that Bacon shirt!
Oh, and I made this bacon-free recipe last night. I highly recommend it for anyone who cannot believe it is still so cold outside right now!
Mama Mia! Look what I just found on YumSugar.com! Grocery Hags’ favorite Italian schmoozer is apparently shilling frozen pizzas.
Dr. Oetker, one of Europe’s top frozen pizza brands, is launching its Ristorante line in America, and has called on the reality TV personality to be the spokesperson for the thin-crust pizza. “We feel Fabio is the perfect voice for the brand,” Dr. Oetker USA said in a statement. “He has an incredible personality and a real passion for cooking.”
I don’t know if I’ll buy frozen pizza (in New York?! please) just because Fabs’ face is on the box, but I may try it. You know…because why not? It may make a good blog entry. Maybe we’ll hear more about this at the reunion spesh tonight? CARLA FOR FAN FAVORITE!
Probably you think Andie and I are extremely elegant foodies with refined palates and probably you think that we eat foie gras and escargot and, probably, you are right. Except, no you aren’t. Andie and I are from Texas: we are not refined. We like street meat, Doritos and BEER, German beer.
Both Andie and I are lucky to have found a boy as easy to please as we are, and this weekend, one of those boys had a big birthday
To celebrate, we took this bum to Zum Schneider, an indoor Bavarian beergarden on Avenue C on that lowaiside. If you are looking for a loud, rowdy place to eat pretzels, drink huge beers, and scream a lot, WE’VE FOUND IT.
Now, this particular night, Andie had already made me a delicious dinner of leftovers from Dinosaur Bar B-Que (another New York must) but once we got to the bar and I looked at the menu, I knew this was gonna be one of those two dinner evenings.
In an effort to not be a fat kid, I went with an Appetizer. I ordered “Schupfnudeln im Sauerkraut ” – which loosely translates to “YUM!” No, actually its, “Hand rolled, pan fried crispy potato dumplings tossed in sauerkraut”. Oh damn, my mouth just watered.
Andie’s camera sucks, so here’s a blurry picture of my Potato-Cabbage Delight:
The potatoes were crispy and soft at the same time , and the Sauerkraut was DELICIOUS – salty perfection!
To wash down the sodium, I started with a big ass $7 Schneider Weisse (wheat beer) followed by a really smooth Jever Pilsener. Andie started with a Würzburger Pilsener, that she claims to have loved, followed by the Reissdorf Kölsch (lager), an Augustiner Edelstoff (the birthday boy’s favorite) andddddd a drunken bedtime. Great night – well spent with friends and beer: they go together like me and fabulosity, or Andie and fringed cowboy boots. HAHA!
Big shock this morning: this exceprt from Top Chef’s Casey Thompson re: her role as Carla’s Sous Chef
from D Magazine:
Carla was not prepared and in over her head. The show did not talk about how the first course (crab) took her half of the friggin’ cooking time that day, I was left to work the rest of HER dishes.
I am done with TC. I did not influence her. She has NO ideas of her own, oh, except a cheese course.
She also did not have a plan. The ONLY thing she had in mind was a cheese course! I would NEVER do a cheese course. And where in the hell did french come from!? She is not even classically trained! It (the show) didn’t talk about how I worked on a sauce for 2 days and Carla forgot to put it on the plate… It didn’t show how the 2nd course (fish) was MINE. It didn’t show how she took the sous vide idea and decided to GRILL it last minute causing it to be tough… And it didn’t show how she WANTED to do the souffles which she does not even know how to make! That was HER food, because it certainly was me asking her how she wanted to do this and that while she was busy picking crab the entire time and making a souffle that didn’t rise!
Yowza! I get Casey’s anger: if all her accusations are true, I’d be angry as well. But I didn’t know Casey was so bitter about Top Chef! Seems someone never got over getting thwarted on live television. Damn, girl! This finale is so heated…