Tag Archives: Top Chef


I know you did!

You: Allie – why haven’t you been blogging?

Me: I’m sorry. I only function as a human during Top Chef season. When it ends I evaporate back to my home planet where I spend 6 months eating and writing offensive jokes in preparation for the next season. Also I get my yearly hair cut and eye brow tweeze.  I WAS VERY BUSY!

You: Oh. alright.

I can’t BELIEVE Top Chef Season 6 started last night. It feels like only yesterday I was watching Season 1 in the shared TV space in my college dorm. Yikes. Either I am getting old or this show is.

I’m pretty sure it’s me, because last night’s episode was really entertaining. Someone at Bravo was very obviously taking notes on this blog last season because that stale feeling I bitched about seems to be gone. There’s some craziness going on this season: french men with scarves! lots and lots of lesbians! tattooed James Beard nominees! Cancer! Brothers! It’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore!

So – a quick recap: This season of the show takes place in Las Vegas. The chefs showed up, Real World Style, checked out their sweet pad, talked some shit about their skilzz and then hopped along to Padma and Tom (who – btw: is so great. I mean, really, how great was it to see Tom again? I just… I just love that man. Pause for swooning:  .     .    .     .  swooning complete) and began their first quickfire. It was – SHOCKING – relay race! Hai! Same thing that took out last season’s slow chopping fag hag just minutes before her gay was sent packing, too. Exciting!!

A few initial reactions about these “people” that have very little to do with food:



Dude: I did not understand one word this man said last night. Not. a single. word. He seems very sweet though. Please don’t yell at me.



DICK! Remember when he said he was surprised that a girl nearly beat him at shucking oysters? DICK! I really want to hate this guy. Too bad he is the executive chef at one of my most absolute favorite restaurants of all time. I feel the conflict building within me. It feels like general tso’s chicken.




Crush. Like — big crush. Big, huge, girl crush. She’s got a really handsome face.  And – she made chicken liver ravioli. YUM. I love chopped liver. It’s not weird, ok, I’m jewish. IT’S GOOD.




NO. Her dish looked like poo poo. It looked like food from a Chinese Buffet, and not the fancy one, either. It looked like food from the Chinese Buffet by the gas station in the town where no Chinese people have ever lived. It looked like food from that place. And just when you thought maybe you could look past that – she spoke. Just – no.





WhyWouldYouOfferToShuckTheClamsIfYou’veNeverShuckedClamsBefore!??!?!?!?!??!?UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I’m sorry to be harsh, but I have no time or patience for this kind of weakling, and I STILL  don’t understand why Top Chef lets contestants on the show when they SO OBVIOUSLY won’t make it to the end. What’s the point? Knock it down to 15 people and let the judges bring someone back when they get kicked off, American Idol style. Right? Why am I not a Bravo executive?

No, seriously, why?

The rest of the contestants didn’t do anything interesting enough to mention. Except I guess Kevin with the tiny little eyes who won the elimination challenge: cook your vice. He made arctic char with salsa verde and turnips, so  I guess his vice is … ??? I don’t even know. Oh and also there’s the girl who worked for ERIC RIPERT. Yes, I said ERIC RIPERT, did you hear me? ERIC RIPERT. He’s FAMOUS. He makes FISH. ERIC RIPERT!!

Last night’s disappointments:

1 – Wolfgang Puck DID.NOT.WANT the bacon donuts made my Ms. Lauren Wickett. He said they weren’t good, and that made me sad. Wolfie no likey the pig.

Speaking of Wolfgang Puck:

Kodak Theatre

LOLZ! How funny was this guy? 

and speaking of Lolz:


woaw! Wolfie in his Beatles phase. YIKES!

Disappointment 2:

Jennifer with the gaged ear holes and her horrendous Chile Relleno. Sad – so very sad – and clunky! So very clunky!

In the end – I think I would have sent diarreha buffet Eve home instead of Jen, if for no other reason than Jen would have brought fire to season with that HOT TEMPER of hers. I guess the producers figured they have a backlog of tattooed meanies whereas the number of midwesterners to stomp on is significantly smaller. So bye bye, Jen. I hope your kid makes it to Harvard. No, seriously, I do! 

What did y’all think? Who do you like? Are you excited about this season? How happy are you that I’m blogging, seriously? Leave comments, por favor.



Fabio Wants You to Eat Pizza

Mama Mia! Look what I just found on YumSugar.com! Grocery Hags’ favorite Italian schmoozer is apparently shilling frozen pizzas.

Dr. Oetker, one of Europe’s top frozen pizza brands, is launching its Ristorante line in America, and has called on the reality TV personality to be the spokesperson for the thin-crust pizza. “We feel Fabio is the perfect voice for the brand,” Dr. Oetker USA said in a statement. “He has an incredible personality and a real passion for cooking.”

I don’t know if I’ll buy frozen pizza (in New York?! please) just because Fabs’ face is on the box, but I may try it. You know…because why not? It may make a good blog entry. Maybe we’ll hear more about this at the reunion spesh tonight? CARLA FOR FAN FAVORITE!

This one Is For Stefan

Blog me, Amadeus

Blog me, Amadeus

Apparently: Stefan loves blogs! Or so he mentions in his fantastic exit interview on endlessimmer.com. Honestly, this guy has a soul. I’m sold on him. The good parts of his interview are bolded below for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!

Q: I thought the dessert was gonna put you over the top last night, but it kind of bombed. What happened?

A: The problem — and the other chefs will back me up on this — is that the plates are too fucking small. You’ve got a 4-inch plate. How are you going to put a decent dessert on that?

Q: How pissed were you when Fabio said Hosea’s food was better than yours?

A: Absolutely not. You know, Europeans are honest. You’ve got to be honest. In one episode I said that Fabio’s lamb was overcooked; you’ve got to be honest. I can take it. By the way, I love bloggers. You guys are fucking awesome. I love reading it all. I just read and laugh and laugh. I take it like it is and just laugh so hard.

Q: You’re not phased by being disliked?

A: I’m always very confident. People call it arrogant, cocky, I call it confident. Did I look like an idiot on TV? No, I looked like a million bucks, so I’m very happy about that.

Q: But you must be mad that you didn’t win Top Chef.

A:I did win Top Chef, buddy, read the blogs! Hosea gets a $100,000 egg. I am the chicken who is going to lay a lot of eggs and make a lot of money. I’m selling t-shirts at cockychefclothing.com — I’m selling panties with a picture of a cock on it, it’s great. And I’ve got a book coming out called Dirty Dishes, it’s a bunch of chefs writing recipes and writing about me and my life.

Q: What about that teary moment with Carla? You’re really a softie, huh?

A: Let me tell you, Carla is a very sweet lady. I had some tears in my eyes when I watched that on TV. I can’t see women crying, it fucking breaks my heart. That’s why I picked Marcel. I saw Carla’s face and I knew she couldn’t deal with him. He’s an ass, I’m an ass, so I could deal with him. Marcel was a very good sous chef, by the way. He’s a bit of a twat, but who isn’t?

Q: Speaking of the t-word, I can’t believe they let you say that on TV!

A: Twat is not that bad. Cock made it onto TV. I said cock twice on national TV. Look, it’s an English word, we all know what it means.

Q: Are you gonna do more TV?

A: Let me tell you, I’m working on it. I think I have a good shot at something.

Q: Maybe you and Fabio can get a show?

A: That would be hilarious, but I think it would be better if me and Jamie got a show.

Q: Are you still in love with Jamie?

A: How can you not be in love with her? I love the lesbians. Who doesn’t? It wouldn’t be the first time. That chick has a great smile and the best laugh. Love her. Leah too, by they way. She also had a great laugh. If Jamie reads this, if she’s ever ready for babies, I’m ready for it. We would make pretty babies.

Q: Do you hope to open a restaurant?

A: Let me tell you buddy, write a check. I want to open a restaurant, but I want to do it in the right way; not too high-end, especially with the economy. I went to a place last night where Bud Light was $13. That’s retarted. I want to do a restaurant that’s fun, where people can just go sit outside, sit by the fire, have a good time.

Q: What did you learn most from Top Chef?

A: You gotta be on the good side of the bloggers, that’s the key.

Q: Anything else you want to add?

A: You guys gotta lay off Hosea a bit. He’s getting a lot of shit and it’s really tearing him up. He doesn’t deserve that much shit. He deserves a little bit of shit but not that much.

WOW!!!!!! He’s so so so likable. I want him and Carla to have babies. And I want to sit outside and eat at his restaurant.

As for that last bit: SUCK IT, HOSEA!

Another Blog about Last night

I’ve just stumbled upon a lot of things I want to bring to your attention; most of them involve Twitter.

1st: Poor Gail, she’s feeling just as bad as we are RE: Carla

from amusebiatch and Gail’s twitter:


Ugh, horrible. Great pic of Gail, though! She’s such a beaut, and she’s got fabulous breasts. Moving on…

2: A conversation between a Twitter interview and Top Chef subsitute Judge Toby Young:

DUDE: Are you coming back next season? Or for any other TC projects?

TOBY: My people are talking to their people, as we say in show business. I hope they can work it out — it’s been a lot of fun

HMMMMM, I’ll take that as a NO! If the complete lack of Toby the Terrible in the past three episodes is any indication, I think the producers got the picture: WE NO LIKEY.

ok 3, from Amuse-biatch again, a big “WTF” that we missed:



Ew. He gets the girl AND the title? What is wrong with this world?

For more funny/angry/confused Top Chef blogs and videos, I suggest the following:

TIME magazine (yes, thats right)


Wow….247 people have already checked this blog for our reaction to last night’s Top Chef, and its not even 10am! I guess you really care what we have to say. That, or you’re just as PISSED as we are and you’re looking for a place to vent. Either way, I think we all agree that the only possible reaction to last night’s Top Chef is: WHAT THE FUCK!?!??!

Never in my life have I been so unhappy at a Final episode of a series.  NEVER. Even the Sopranos ended better than this. My trust/love/respect for this show is shot to hell, truly. It’s been nearly 12 hours and I’m still angry. Mother Trucker!

Oh, you mean some of you don’t know? Ok: The idiot gap toothed baldie bear jerk , with the help of  Top Chef Season 4’s far superior Richard Blais, beat Carla and Stefan for the title.  The judges loved his venison…they loved his red snapper app…they thought his only mistake was serving meat instead of a sweet for his final course, but they loved the damn meat, so they forgave it! And Carla totally bombed. And Stefan shot himself in the foot with this dessert Padma so hilariously described as “Pedestrian at best.” HA! The one bright spot in the show, for me anyway. Padma is so stupid. Anyway…

It just kills me how Casey, Carla’s sous chef, came back and, in her one chance to redeem herself from her shotty showing at her own Top Chef Finale episode in season 3, she COMPLETELY recreated the exact scenario she was in 2 years ago: a strong contender who coulda gone all the way doesn’t cook what she knows how to cook and she ends up in a distant 3rd. So sad.

What killed me is how upset she was.  Carla – what did you learn when cooking for Wylie Dufrense? Jacques Pepin? Freakin  ERIC RIPERt? You succeed when you cook your food!! C’mon, there’s no Love in Sous Vide meat! You don’t do sous Vide meat! And why would you not make a tart!? The judges LOVE your tarts! Seriously Carla: I am so dissapointed.

But you know what? We still love you, HOOTIE – FOREVER! And I’m putting my money on Carla being Fan Favorite next week at the reunion. Screw Fabio. Yes – I said that.

It really sucks that the judges based their final decision on one meal instead of the competition as a whole (especially since they so obviously gave Stefan a pass in order for him to get into the finals) but that’s the TC policy since day one, weather we like it or not, and that’s why this guy is now “Top Chef,”


And why I have to go barf now.

Please comment and share your angry rants with us. We need to bond together in times like this. Its not healthy to go through these tough moments alone. To quote Harvey Milk, “I KNOW YOU’RE ANGRY! I’M ANGRY!!!!!” Let us heal together. In the comments.

This is not a Butt Rubbing Contest!

A day late, but if you still care I have a few things to say about Wednesday’s Top Chef:

eh hem:


Now, saying that something “rocked” is NOT something I would do normally, but I was so impressed by this weeks TC, that I gotta pull out what is arguably the most embarrassing phrase of all time to explain how much I liked it. I watched it TWICE it was so good!  DAMN! Ok, lets get started.

First – a set change: New Orleans. Top Chef + New Orleans = BRILLIANCE, why did we never think of this before? Is there a more culinarily exciting city in the U.S.? NO! Anyone who has ever eaten a shrimp po-boy from Brother’s, a restaurant so old school it has no website, will agree. DAMN! I looooooooooooooooooooooooooove me some Cajun soul food. New York, you’ve got some amazing restaurants, but I’ll take Jambalaya over $15 Pork Bun any day.

Plus: New Orleans has so much life, It was practically jumping off the screen at me. I love any challenge where catering and large groups of local people are involved. You can always tell the most successful chefs by the opinion of the real people eating their food, particularly when local cuisine is on the menu. But I’m getting ahead of myself, back to the beginning.

The show started off with a great Quickfire, guest-judged by none other than Mr. Nawlins himself, Emeril Lagasse:

BLAM! I mean, BAM!

BLAM! I mean, BAM!

What a fun dude. I’ve never been much for his show on the Food Network, but he really won me over on this Top Chef episode. He was comfortable, kind and fun to watch. GREAT guest judge, and the first Food Network star, I might mention, to grace our little Bravo show. Martha Stewart and Emeril Lagasse in one season? That’s huge! Who’s next, Paula Dean? Rachael Ray? 30 minute meal quickfire? The possibilities are endless!

OK: so we all should have seen it coming that the last 3 eliminated contestants would be back, but I did not, and I was excited to see only one of them: Jeff, the winking cutiepie:


I felt so bad when he got kicked off and he was like, “I’ll probably be sad about this for at least 10 years,” so it was nice to see him come back and redeem himself. He deserved it too, unlike Jamie and Leah, at who I would have been annoyed if they’d made it back into the running.

So the 5 new finalists go to a fancy dinner and then they get their challenge: catering! I LOVE catering, and so do Stefan and Carla who had an obvious advantage seeing as they’re both PROFESSIONAL CATERERS. Not to be outdone, I must say that I was pleasantly surprised by Hosea, who really seemed to have done his homework before coming to New Orleans. Dude studied up on Cajun/Creole cuisine, which was SMART. As much as I hate to say it, I gott have respect….damnit.

I was underwhelmed last night by Fabio and the magic fauxhawk who made Pasta, AGAIN. I know you’re italian, but come on:

Oh, AMAZING bit of info from Fabio’s exit interview on endlesssimmer.com:

What are you up to now?
I’m getting a lot of offers, being asked to do TV shows, license my image on a line of cooking products, so all kinds of things. I hope you liked my face, because unfortunately, you’re going to be seeing a lot of it.

Another TV show! Tell us more.
Aaah, I can’t say yet, but let me just say – Watch What Happens.

WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! FABIO’S COMING TO BRAVO, FULL TIME! Damn, if you didn’t see that coming, you are dumb as hell, or you seriously don’t watch enough TV. But, YAY!! Can’t wait for that shit. You can read the rest of his silly interview here.

Moving on:

All the food the chef’s made last night looked AMAZING: gumbo, corn cakes, cheesy grits and cocktails? Sign me up! But I must say that, as much as I would have liked for Jeff to stay on, Carla’s meal really took the cake.


I mean, girl made deep friend sausage-shrimp balls. What could really be better (and less kosher) than that? NOTHING! Could she really take it all next week?? I dunno!

OH FORGOT TO MENTION: GAIL WAS BACK! yay! Love her! The judges were so much more together with Gail there. Without her, Tom was the only regular judge with any really legitimate things to say about the food. Now we have the Gail and Tom dynamic, which I happen to love, and which seems to shut up Padma (who all the contestants seem to hate, btw) and that’s a good thing.

All in all: I’m happy. I’m exciting. I can’t wait. The finale, the reunion, its gonna be good shit. I’m glad this season is ending with a bang. God now’s my broke ass needs it.


Top 5 Smackdown

I have basically nothing to say about last night’s Top Chef. Well, nothing too snarky, anyway. I though it was a fantastic episode from start to finish. I loved the quickfire, especially the always deliciously nerdy Wylie Dufrense, in whose restaurant Ben and I celebrated our one year anniversary with Popcorn Soup, Waygu skirt steak, and foie gras. It was certainly the most uniquely yummy meal I’ve ever had, and I’ll never forget how nicely the staff treated us. I’m always happy to be properly waited on, particularly in New York. But I digress…

I also loved the Elimination Challenge: it was FABULOUS. It gave the chefs the chance to just cook something and cook it well. Plus, we at home got to play our own, “What would your last meal be?” game. Mine: Tex-Mex. Easy, no question. Chips and  fresh salsa, guacamole, tamales, rice and beans, I’m happy. That, or pepperoni pizza. And Mac&Cheese. Damn! Other picks I heard: fillet Mignon, ribs, and biscuits & sausage gravy. mmmmmmm

The standout last night, and for the past couple of nights was, OBVIOUSLY, Carla. 

"like this"

First she made a great looking take on “Green Eggs & Ham”, and then she rocked the Elimination Challenge with Squab and Peas…of all things! Is she fantastic or what?

I heard a bit of dissension from my Top Chef crew last night about Carla’s abilities, credentials and whether she really deserves to be in the top 4, but ultimately I think she does, and here’s why: she’s learned. Carla had all these problems stemming from her inability to focus and her tendency to do too much, but she learned, and she fixed them! She realized, “this isn’t working,” so she went another direction: good, simple, great tasting food, and guess what? It hits the mark every time!


I hate when the cheftestants, like Hosea, make all this fuss about “Do I go all out? Do I go traditional? Hows my facial hair?” etc. Look, its not what you do that matters, its HOW you do it, and if you don’t get that by now, then you are going to lose. Make. good. food. that’s it.

Another stand out last night: my lover Fabio who, with total class and stick-to-it-iveness, made a whole meal with only 9 fingers, and he didn’t even flaunt his handi-capability to the table of Chefs when he introduced his dish. Now THAT takes restraint, seriously!! Bravo, Fabio! You deserve 2 of those HUGE bottles of wine.

Total shit-shows: Leah, Hosea and Padma. Leah, Hosea: go away. I’m so glad Leah finally went home, it only would have been better if she’d taken Hosea with her. Hosea – you suck. You think Stefan is your only competition and I predict that that will be your undoing. And Padma, were you um… cold?



And maybe…um…STONED? C’mon! I get why you would partake of the herb before eating a HUGE delicious meal, but on on TV, Padma! Kids watch this show!

Best Padma line of the night: “Your two kinds of Spinach tasted like one kind of Spinach.” THANKS!

Anyway, I’m satisfied with the final four, and I’m excited to see what happens in New Orleans. Preview: GAIL RETURNS, Fabio expresses his new found love for the Sex Pistols, and Carla meets a hair straightener. GOOD TIMES!