I know you did!
You: Allie – why haven’t you been blogging?
Me: I’m sorry. I only function as a human during Top Chef season. When it ends I evaporate back to my home planet where I spend 6 months eating and writing offensive jokes in preparation for the next season. Also I get my yearly hair cut and eye brow tweeze. I WAS VERY BUSY!
You: Oh. alright.
I can’t BELIEVE Top Chef Season 6 started last night. It feels like only yesterday I was watching Season 1 in the shared TV space in my college dorm. Yikes. Either I am getting old or this show is.
I’m pretty sure it’s me, because last night’s episode was really entertaining. Someone at Bravo was very obviously taking notes on this blog last season because that stale feeling I bitched about seems to be gone. There’s some craziness going on this season: french men with scarves! lots and lots of lesbians! tattooed James Beard nominees! Cancer! Brothers! It’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore!
So – a quick recap: This season of the show takes place in Las Vegas. The chefs showed up, Real World Style, checked out their sweet pad, talked some shit about their skilzz and then hopped along to Padma and Tom (who – btw: is so great. I mean, really, how great was it to see Tom again? I just… I just love that man. Pause for swooning: . . . . swooning complete) and began their first quickfire. It was – SHOCKING – relay race! Hai! Same thing that took out last season’s slow chopping fag hag just minutes before her gay was sent packing, too. Exciting!!
A few initial reactions about these “people” that have very little to do with food:
Dude: I did not understand one word this man said last night. Not. a single. word. He seems very sweet though. Please don’t yell at me.
DICK! Remember when he said he was surprised that a girl nearly beat him at shucking oysters? DICK! I really want to hate this guy. Too bad he is the executive chef at one of my most absolute favorite restaurants of all time. I feel the conflict building within me. It feels like general tso’s chicken.
Crush. Like — big crush. Big, huge, girl crush. She’s got a really handsome face. And – she made chicken liver ravioli. YUM. I love chopped liver. It’s not weird, ok, I’m jewish. IT’S GOOD.
NO. Her dish looked like poo poo. It looked like food from a Chinese Buffet, and not the fancy one, either. It looked like food from the Chinese Buffet by the gas station in the town where no Chinese people have ever lived. It looked like food from that place. And just when you thought maybe you could look past that – she spoke. Just – no.
WhyWouldYouOfferToShuckTheClamsIfYou’veNeverShuckedClamsBefore!??!?!?!?!??!?UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I’m sorry to be harsh, but I have no time or patience for this kind of weakling, and I STILL don’t understand why Top Chef lets contestants on the show when they SO OBVIOUSLY won’t make it to the end. What’s the point? Knock it down to 15 people and let the judges bring someone back when they get kicked off, American Idol style. Right? Why am I not a Bravo executive?
No, seriously, why?
The rest of the contestants didn’t do anything interesting enough to mention. Except I guess Kevin with the tiny little eyes who won the elimination challenge: cook your vice. He made arctic char with salsa verde and turnips, so I guess his vice is … ??? I don’t even know. Oh and also there’s the girl who worked for ERIC RIPERT. Yes, I said ERIC RIPERT, did you hear me? ERIC RIPERT. He’s FAMOUS. He makes FISH. ERIC RIPERT!!
Last night’s disappointments:
1 – Wolfgang Puck DID.NOT.WANT the bacon donuts made my Ms. Lauren Wickett. He said they weren’t good, and that made me sad. Wolfie no likey the pig.
Speaking of Wolfgang Puck:
LOLZ! How funny was this guy?
and speaking of Lolz:
woaw! Wolfie in his Beatles phase. YIKES!
Jennifer with the gaged ear holes and her horrendous Chile Relleno. Sad – so very sad – and clunky! So very clunky!
In the end – I think I would have sent diarreha buffet Eve home instead of Jen, if for no other reason than Jen would have brought fire to season with that HOT TEMPER of hers. I guess the producers figured they have a backlog of tattooed meanies whereas the number of midwesterners to stomp on is significantly smaller. So bye bye, Jen. I hope your kid makes it to Harvard. No, seriously, I do!
What did y’all think? Who do you like? Are you excited about this season? How happy are you that I’m blogging, seriously? Leave comments, por favor.