AND NOW:

Paula Deen’s pants falling down:

http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/32520067.html

You’re welcome

This is not a Butt Rubbing Contest!

A day late, but if you still care I have a few things to say about Wednesday’s Top Chef:

eh hem:

IT ROCKED!

Now, saying that something “rocked” is NOT something I would do normally, but I was so impressed by this weeks TC, that I gotta pull out what is arguably the most embarrassing phrase of all time to explain how much I liked it. I watched it TWICE it was so good!  DAMN! Ok, lets get started.

First – a set change: New Orleans. Top Chef + New Orleans = BRILLIANCE, why did we never think of this before? Is there a more culinarily exciting city in the U.S.? NO! Anyone who has ever eaten a shrimp po-boy from Brother’s, a restaurant so old school it has no website, will agree. DAMN! I looooooooooooooooooooooooooove me some Cajun soul food. New York, you’ve got some amazing restaurants, but I’ll take Jambalaya over $15 Pork Bun any day.

Plus: New Orleans has so much life, It was practically jumping off the screen at me. I love any challenge where catering and large groups of local people are involved. You can always tell the most successful chefs by the opinion of the real people eating their food, particularly when local cuisine is on the menu. But I’m getting ahead of myself, back to the beginning.

The show started off with a great Quickfire, guest-judged by none other than Mr. Nawlins himself, Emeril Lagasse:

BLAM! I mean, BAM!

What a fun dude. I’ve never been much for his show on the Food Network, but he really won me over on this Top Chef episode. He was comfortable, kind and fun to watch. GREAT guest judge, and the first Food Network star, I might mention, to grace our little Bravo show. Martha Stewart and Emeril Lagasse in one season? That’s huge! Who’s next, Paula Dean? Rachael Ray? 30 minute meal quickfire? The possibilities are endless!

OK: so we all should have seen it coming that the last 3 eliminated contestants would be back, but I did not, and I was excited to see only one of them: Jeff, the winking cutiepie:

I felt so bad when he got kicked off and he was like, “I’ll probably be sad about this for at least 10 years,” so it was nice to see him come back and redeem himself. He deserved it too, unlike Jamie and Leah, at who I would have been annoyed if they’d made it back into the running.

So the 5 new finalists go to a fancy dinner and then they get their challenge: catering! I LOVE catering, and so do Stefan and Carla who had an obvious advantage seeing as they’re both PROFESSIONAL CATERERS. Not to be outdone, I must say that I was pleasantly surprised by Hosea, who really seemed to have done his homework before coming to New Orleans. Dude studied up on Cajun/Creole cuisine, which was SMART. As much as I hate to say it, I gott have respect….damnit.

I was underwhelmed last night by Fabio and the magic fauxhawk who made Pasta, AGAIN. I know you’re italian, but come on:

Oh, AMAZING bit of info from Fabio’s exit interview on endlesssimmer.com:

What are you up to now?
I’m getting a lot of offers, being asked to do TV shows, license my image on a line of cooking products, so all kinds of things. I hope you liked my face, because unfortunately, you’re going to be seeing a lot of it.

Another TV show! Tell us more.
Aaah, I can’t say yet, but let me just say – Watch What Happens.

WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! FABIO’S COMING TO BRAVO, FULL TIME! Damn, if you didn’t see that coming, you are dumb as hell, or you seriously don’t watch enough TV. But, YAY!! Can’t wait for that shit. You can read the rest of his silly interview here.

Moving on:

All the food the chef’s made last night looked AMAZING: gumbo, corn cakes, cheesy grits and cocktails? Sign me up! But I must say that, as much as I would have liked for Jeff to stay on, Carla’s meal really took the cake.

I mean, girl made deep friend sausage-shrimp balls. What could really be better (and less kosher) than that? NOTHING! Could she really take it all next week?? I dunno!

OH FORGOT TO MENTION: GAIL WAS BACK! yay! Love her! The judges were so much more together with Gail there. Without her, Tom was the only regular judge with any really legitimate things to say about the food. Now we have the Gail and Tom dynamic, which I happen to love, and which seems to shut up Padma (who all the contestants seem to hate, btw) and that’s a good thing.

All in all: I’m happy. I’m exciting. I can’t wait. The finale, the reunion, its gonna be good shit. I’m glad this season is ending with a bang. God now’s my broke ass needs it.

BAM!

Chopped, One girls opinion

One of the elements I find severely lacking on this season of Top Chef is the disappearance of everyone’s favorite gastro-gay, Ted Allen.

Teddy Poo

Aww, what a doll, right? Shana Punim! Because I miss this man’s presence in my life, and because I’m becoming a bit of a Top Chef burnout, I decided to hope on over to the Food Network this weekend to try out Ted’s new reality competition show: CHOPPED!

In case you haven’t heard of it or seen it, let me break it down for you. Chopped is like a mixture of Top Chef, Iron Chef, and Elimidate. Each episode begins with 4 contestants, all of who are given a basket with the same “secret” ingredients. In the episode I saw, the four contestants were a cocky sous chef dude, a 21 year old female pastry chef, a vegan (bitch), and this old Southerner they kept referring to as “The Meticulous Texan,” (can you guess who I was rooting for?). So – they open their baskets and they have: octopus, bok choy, oyster sauce…mmmm…something else I can’t remember, and they all have 30 minutes to make an appetizer .

So they cook and scramble around while a panel of three judges (Food Network regulars, in the style of Iron Chef) and Ted sit around, watch and comment on their methods. Ted Allen is a bit of an awkward narrator, you can tell he doesn’t quite know what to do in the role of host, but he gets the job done and, once the half hour is over, he instructs the chefs to line up in front of the judges as they dig in to the recently prepared dishes.

This is where it gets fun. The judges eat the food, again, Iron Chef style, right in front of the contestants, and they really don’t hold back. Once they’re all done, one cheftestant gets, you guessed it, CHOPPED! The three remaining go on to the next round, the entree round, where they get a different basket of ingredients (in this case: duck, scallions, oranges and …umm, something else I can’t remember) and once again have half an hour to cook before the weakest link gets Chopped off, leaving only two to cook the final course, desert. The winner gets $10k.

What I like about the show is that it moves  fast, there isn’t a lot of drama, and all the chef’s get the same ingredient, so it seems like a more even playing field. For instance: two of the three cheftestants on this episode made Duck a’larange (spelling is definitely wacked there) on the entree course, but the pastry chef just roasted her duck and made a little chocolate crepe filled with ricotta to go long with it. Sounds weird, but apparently it was good because she got to the final round (where she blew it, sadly). Cool, right? Also, if you don’t like the contestants, all you gotta do is wait a week, and there are four new ones. Four new people to judge EACH WEEK!

What I originally blew off as a Top Chef rip-off is actually fun and worth watching – so go ahead, enjoy. If not for me, for sweet sweet Ted.

Dissapointment of a Lifetime: Mesa Grill

There are very fews things I like better than comming home around 11 on a Saturday night (yes, I’m boring) getting into my PJs (and slovenly) laying on the couch (not to mention lazy!) and turning on the TV to see watch my 2nd favorite (may be moving to first favorite anyday now) food show: IRON CHEF: AMERICA!

The Chairman!

Everyone has their favorite Iron Chef, mine has always been Bobby Flay: a man with a love for Southwestern Cuisine is a man after my own heart! With EVERYTHING Bobby makes I take one look at it and go, “OOO -Jalepeno crusted Swodfish with saffron herb oil – THAT’S what I want to eat!” So, when restaurant week rolled around this year, I got mad excited when Ben, being the good boyfriend that he is, got us reservations at Bobby’s restuarant, Mesa Grill. I’d been DYING to try this place, y’all! BIG NIGHT!! So excited!!

SO how was it? Well, let me try and sum it up in a word or two.

How ’bout… yuck?

Or maybe …ick? or blech! Or maybe even, “GOOD GOD!”

It was bad, y’all. Like, real bad. Like – Ben ordered a steak medium and it came out burned on the outside and pink on the inside. And I ordered a $21 Cornmeal Encrusted Chille Relleno and, while it was ok, it was maybe 5 bites and came with no side dish. The salad we split was literaly hearts of romain with creamy garlic dressing and 3 croutons…like, If I wanted a pretty good, heavy ceasar salad, I woulda made a reservation  at La Madeleine. Honestly, we didn’t even stay for dessert it was so bad. Really, I’ve had yummier meals at Chili’s. MMMMM, Chili’s.

Luckily we saved the night with a trip to the Momofuku Milk Bar on 13th and 2nd Ave where we split a peiece of candy bar pie. DDDDDDDDDDlish! I will be going back for the “Crack Pie,” if anyone wants to make a date.

Moral of the story – Bobby Flay = BAD! I am strictly a Batali supporter from now on.

I Cheffed the Chef out of that Cheffer!

Hello, Holiday people! We here at Groceryhag.wordpress.com hope you had a lovely Thanksgiving full of Turkey, wine and constipation. Please excuse me for not blogging Top Chef last week. Wednesday night I was at a hotel in the District of Columbia that had the ODDEST selection of TV stations available. 4 ESPNs, C-SPAN, TLC, BIO and The History Channel but no Bravo!? BLASPHEMY! I almost cried. No, seriously, I did. Ask Ben.

Anyway

Andie and I, always looking for new ways to transfer the excitement and energy of Top Chef into blog form, decided to do a live TCGchat this week. I think our conversation is pretty lolzy, and I hope you will too. Unfortunatley, however, we only got half way through the show before Gmail gave out. So you’ll have to scroll to the bottom for my notes on the second half of Episode 4 which we’re calling: “Spitgate, Revisited,” or “How I learned to get passed the haircut and love Ariane.” ENJOY!

Allie: Im here, but i dont feel good so i’m not gonna be that much fun

Andie: hiii. oh boo! Do you want to chat whilst you watch or just watch and comment tomorrow?

me: lets chat a little

Andie: k

Allie: until my computer dies

Andie: k

Allie: where’d you go tonight again?

Andie: Rock center

Allie: o ya

Andie: friend of Brian’s had an office party to watch the tree lightling

Allie: you watched a tree?

Andie: yeah

Allie: was it fun?

Andie: ya!

Allie: did you see Britney?

Andie: on TV, we were far away

Andie: put it on! almost time!

Allie: Ok, here we go!

Andie: wooohooo, Top Chef!
I loved the Foo Fighters after last week. I always had luke warm feelings but now there’s love

Allie: I like that they are obviously fans and they acted like I would have, like smart asses.

Andie: exactly! A smart ass in awe though! I read an interview with Richard who said they really knew their stuff

Allie: I bet

Andie: who knew the foos were such foodies?

Allie: Foo Foodie

Andie: haha

Allie: FOOdie

Andie: Foodie Fighters?

Allie: i almost just typed “doodie”
haha!

Andie: ha ooops
I still laugh everytime Jeffrey winks in the credits
EVERY TIME
who does that?

Allie: Jefferey is the one from Vegas?
o there he is

Andie: Hello, Long Island City!
yeah with the hair

Allie: I like that last week was HAPPY THANKSGIVING but they filmed it in summer

Andie: ha I know
Wait, is Alex not on Team Rainbow?

Allie: nope

Andie: I feel like he should be

Allie: Jamie is the only one left

Andie: I kinda think Alex is closeted on Team Rainbow

Andie: oh FIANCE

Allie: Jamie is like a counselor we had at Ranch Camp
like a lesbian with tattoos

Andie: she is so a camp counsler
hiiii Rocco

Allie: Ya, one who makes string bracelets
I hate Rocco
he’s such an asshole

Andie: Team Rainbow team leader?
I know

Allie: ahhaha Fabio just outed him as “not Italian”

Andie: I don’t think the chefs respect him

Allie: Did you ever watch “The Restaurant”?
Rocco’s reality show about opening his Restaurant that ultimately failed?

Andie: nah

Allie: it was hiarious

Andie: I love breakfast, great Quick Fire.

Allie: It was just his waiters and waitresses hating him and talking shit
Wasn’t Rocco on “Dancing with the Stars”?

Andie: except I prefer brunch
hahah love that

Allie: Eww, Jamie, Chef Boyardee is not breakfast

Andie: I think he was on “Dancing With The Stars,” ya.

Allie: no Beefaroni for breakfast!

Andie: no it isn’t

Allie: I think i’d make an omlette

Andie: I love the word amuse busch
it sounds elegant

Allie: ooo or MIGAS
def. migas

Andie: my favvvvv
I had those in texas – LOE
LOVE I mean

Allie: does Jeff work at a place called the “Dildo Beach Club”?

Andie: that is some good looking bacon

Allie: ????

Andie: what?!?!

Allie: I swear thats what the little tag under his name said
no bacon in Italy? I’m never going to Italy
mmmm Brioche

Andie: guess not
I knowww
mmmmmm baconeggandcheese sammy
the New Yorker knows her stuff

Allie: did you know that 3 of the 4 top chef winnrs graduated from CIA?
I looked it up

Andie: I didn’t
that’s a good fact!

Allie: thank you!
I love Egg in the Hole

Andie: huevos racheros!
I’m shocked the german did that

Allie: I thought Stefan was “Team Europe”
why is he from LA all the sudden?
He’s Finnish, not German

Andie: I guess that’s where he lives?

Allie: He doesn’t get to have it both ways.
Fried potato on every plate

Andie: dude pick a home and stay there!

Allie: potato people are my kind of people

Andie: zuccini flower? interesting….

Allie: ew, not my kind of brekki, no veggies for breakfast.

Andie: chili maple syrup? mmm sounds good Ariane

Allie: stuffed french toast
YUM
Ariane is on a roll, I really didn’t see that coming
ooo BLT breakfast sandwich

Andie: Jaime’s looks burnt, no?

Allie: its balsamic

Andie: ahhhh

Allie: Leah underwhelms me
fried Sage though, yum

Andie: which one is she? New York?

Allie: interesting
she’s from New York, yeah

Andie: oh, Fabs “another Italian!”

Allie: God I love Fabio

Andie: Fabs = Fabio

Allie: What Fabio made looks amazing!

Andie: Woah, Padma knocked him down

Allie: surprise!
they must have slept together already and now she’s over it.
Padma looks gorgeous
so good this season
the New York air works for her

Andie: yeah it does
aw Fabio is such a good loser

Allie: hahahah Fabio!

Andie: well sorta, he started out good

Allie: “bullshit eggs”
mmm my fav

Andie: and then was like “bullshit bacon”

Allie: I’d like to try some fried Sage

Andie: it must have won it for her

Allie: UGH! Rocco’s book!

Andie: seriously everytime Rocco comes on someone “wins” his book

Allie: I hate when they give away their books
I know! It’s dispicable, its like, atleast PRETEND your here for another reason besides promoting your new book, a-hole.” Everyone i’m watching with just went, “UGH!”.

Andie: about the book or about Leah?

Allie: the book
Did you know that Ted Allen can’t come on Top Chef anymore?

Andie: ahhhhhh NOW I know why Rocco is here – its part of the challenge – be in the public
totally makes sense

Allie: b/c he has a new Food Network show

Andie: sad! I love Ted Allen, he’s hilarious
Omg what is Beaker going to do on live TV?!?!

Allie: She’s gonna freak the fuck out, that’s what she’s gonna do.
Ya, his Food Network show is basically a Top Chef rip off

Andie: hilar – can’t wait

Allie: this episode is like, “The Next Food Network Star”
Did you ever watch that?

Andie: a little yeah

Allie: they did this exact challenge, but on Rachael Ray’s show

Andie: Top Chef is better
Yeah, they did. You’re right.

Allie: OMG Fabio is going to have such a hard time with this challenge.

Andie: and Rachael had to prep them or something

Allie: You saw that?
Rachael was just there with them, helping

Andie: on the Next Food Network Star? I think so.
Something similar at least

Allie: ya

Andie: off the reoord: live blogging is hard! paying attention to two things at once?!

Allie: I should go on that show
I know!
just type what you’re thinking
it is hard thoguh
oh shit is this off the record?

Andie: of course
we can delete whatever we want obvi

Allie: no but it won’t save
like in my “chats’ FOLDER
folder
whatever i’ll just paste it into my email

Andie: why won’t it save?
wait – mine may not either – im on gchat not in gmail
hmmm…
i can copy and paste too i think

Allie: o you’re not?
whatever

Andie: I think I can copy and paste too

Allie: I’m sure you can

Andie: ok are you watching this commercial – one restaurant for one day for the next 50 years in NY?
Good thing we likes to eat!

Allie: There’s our Whole Foods!
I know
Does that count delis and shit?
haha
Fabio is the winner
in my heart
o it’d be fun to learn to make sushi from tv. Good idea, Gene!

Andie: yeah that’d be cool

Allie: oh theyre all back behind the counter cutting their own meat.
I’m surpirsed they can do that.
For health reasons

Andie: dessert? kiss of death!
don’t you learn Alex?

Allie: I know!!!!
This guy is an asshole

Andie: asshole no – moron yes

Allie: I dont like anyone who obviously wasn’t a Top Chef fan before coming on the show
I find it disrespectful.
And if you make dessert on Top Chef and don’t think you’re gonna go home
then you’ve obviously never watched before.

Andie: Its weird
very weird
how can you be on a show and not watch it?

Allie: like, he’s making creme brulee?
honestly!!??
who in TV land can learn to do that just by watching someone on TV do it?

Andie: especially one as popular as Top Chef?

Allie: People who are desperate for money
see Jamie knows how to play the game
she’s playing it safe

Andie: I was just thinking that

Allie: doing something she’s done before

Andie: right

Allie: You gotta get through the early challenges, even if you don’t win them, you gotta skate through.

Andie: I love the food porn shots

Allie: TORTILLA SOUP!!!!
MY FAVORITE FOOD!!

Andie: I know
so yum
mmmm summer watermelon
why is it winter outside? i want that watermelon!

Allie: my friend Charlie just said, “please don’t put New Jersey in the title of your food”
I think watermelon would make my throat feel better

Andie: New Jersey is actually known for their herloom tomatoes
its a good thing I think for this connotation

Allie: good for you!
uh oh!!
whats going on?

Andie: Tom waking everyone up!

Allie: Ariane is in trouble?

Andie: Tom can wake me up any day
no no no – they are going to do their demo on the today show

Allie: I bet he’d be a bad cuddler
i think he’d like squish you

Andie: noooo he’s a teddy bear

Allie: i dunno
he’s so agressive
Do you think he has a sweet side?

Andie: i don’t get that vibe
i think he’s a nice guy but a tough chef

Allie: I’ll buy that.

Andie: He always seems affable but likes good food
so don’t screw it up if you cook him something before bedtime

Allie: tru dat
I want Tom to make me breakfast in bed

Andie: yesssss
it’d be delish
not that I would know – Craft is still on my to-go-to list

Allie: I used to do that for my parents
like toaste and ceral
cereal
wait
Is this out of order or something?
this seems abrupt

Andie: I don’t think so – let’s see what happens
I know

Allie: weird
no intro
Jamie is earthy cute
o she effed up
I dont get what this is
When do they get to go on the Today Show??

Andie: I know but on tv better to plate then go over
aw Alex screwed up

Allie: figured
Just like we said
Jeff WOULD love this

Andie: Gail is not happy. They all look really awkward

Andie: I guess they go on the Today Show later? we are only half hour in

Allie: Jeff’s food looks really good
Did Staten Island just say “wokka wokka wokka”
I think that whats his name Staten Island is a bear

And that’s all she wrote! Here are the rest of my notes:

Alex is getting married, he’s using it as an excuse to be bad, he reminds me of Howie from season 2, fullllllll of excuses!

Oh the top three get to actually go on the Tody Show! Exciting! Actually, I think I’d rather sleep. I love eating, but if there is one thing I like more than food, its sex. I mean sleep!

Another food spit out? How does this keep happening? If its Ariane, I’m going to feel so bad for her. Can you imagine if that happened to you twice on national Television?

Oh phew, I’m so glad it wasn’t Ariane.

Fabio’s food looks nasty. I feel like I could get that at the Metro Cafe nextdoor to my office. I don’t like the combo of asparagus and tuna, seems nasty. and smelly.

Oh, it was Kathy Lee Gifford who spit Jeff’s food out. She’s mentally handicapped anyway, I dont think she doesn’t counts as a human…these women are fucking annoying. Are they all really on the Today show? Wow.

OH, GO ARIANE!! Everyone likes a comeback! Why is Carla so excited??

JUDGES TABLE: Uh oh, here comes Jamie. I think she’s gonna get super angry. She’s gonna get all Lisa on us.

Actually she’s sort of a good communicator. She kept it together pretty well. Good for you, Jamie.

“The whole point of this competition is to win” – right. Alex did set himself up for failure and his pants are way too short. Get him outta here!

Inedible is a strong word, Rocco.

Why is “throwing under the bus” the only metaphor people know for screwing each other over?

Top Chef relationship is back! I love this porn music in the background. Why do they keep doing these 5 second segments? Are we gonna see a hook up or WHAT?

Alright, Alex is gone. Good riddance. Next week’s episode looks sooooooooooooo girly! Odds are in Fabio the Charmer’s favor.
WOOOOOOWOOOO

-Allie and Andie